I don’t need anyone to give me sex advice because I’ve had sex loads of times (sometimes with another person) and I’m REALLY GOOD AT IT. Possibly. But, if I did want sex tips, there are two people I’d probably ask.
The first is Pope Francis, because he’s from Argentina, and Argentinians are famously good love makers. Obviously.
The second person would be Mia Khalifa, because she’s a former pornography star, and is quite likely to know a thing or two about hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing. And now it looks like I won’t even need to ask, because she’s already sharing her expertise.
In an interview with Men’s Health late last year, Mia – now a sports reporter – answered Google’s seven most frequently asked questions related to sex. Here is what she had to say.
1. Where is the G-spot?
“Your G-spot is on the top wall of the vagina halfway between the opening and the cervix-so if you’re fingering someone, it’s up and under, I would say. You know you’re touching it when it feels like you’re touching a slightly rougher surface, like the surface of a nut.”
That said, Mia says it’s not all about G-spot stimulation.
“I reach orgasm externally, not too much from just intercourse,” she told the magazine. “So I prefer clitoral stimulation or G-spot stimulation. But every girl is different.”
I obviously knew this, but have written it down for a friend who doesn’t. His name is Roman.
2. How to make a woman orgasm
“It’s about a bunch of different factors, like kissing and taking your time and being tender, or being rough, depending on what the girl wants. There’s no required time to spend on foreplay – you just have to feel the vibe.”
Mia advises that noises are a key way of telling whether your partner is enjoying it.
“If she’s moaning, she’s enjoying it. If her body starts shaking, or if she looks like she’s having an exorcism performed on her, she’s getting close. That’s usually a good sign.”
Noises? This must just be a Mia thing because that’s definitely not something I’m familiar with. Weird.
3. How to get a bigger penis manually (does size matter?)
“I don’t think size matters at all,” she said. “The best sex I ever had was definitely not with the most well-endowed man I’ve ever been with. It’s really all about the way you treat a girl and the way she feels about you.
“If you’re small, you can put a pillow under the small of her back helps with angles. And if she goes down on you a lot, she’ll be able to deep-throat you easier and you’ll feel like a rock star.”
Not a problem for this guy, definitely not, no, no, no. Just browsing for unrelated reasons.
4. How long does sex last?
“I think a quickie is usually about five to seven minutes, and something more passionate is usually about 10-15 minutes. I get chafed and tired and Sportscenter is usually about to be on.”
5. Does anal sex hurt?
“Yes. Yes, it does. It hurts a lot. The only time girls do anal sex is when they really, really, really, really like a guy.”
However, it’s not all pain, as Mia says that things do get better.
“I will say a lot of lube really helped, and it was enjoyable after the first two minutes, but even then, it was a different kind of enjoyable than I could ever describe.”
Probably going to just leave the jokes to one side for this one. Might hit a bum note.
6. How can I last longer in bed
“Pull out and go back to foreplay if you feel yourself getting too close. She’s not gonna get mad if you pull out and start going down on her. She won’t even know that you’re trying to not come. She’ll think you’re doing it because it’s hot, and it’ll turn her on more.”
7. Why won’t my girlfriend have sex with me?
“Maybe you’re not listening enough to what she wants and you need to go slower, or be more gentle. Maybe the connection’s just not there. Do something romantic with just you two. You don’t have to whisk her off to Bora Bora – just do something small and intimate with the two of you, to reignite that flame.
“Above all else, if you two aren’t having sex anymore, you need to talk about it, or else it’s just not going to change. But tread very lightly. If my significant other came up to me and said, ‘We never have sex,’ I know I would get defensive.”
Yeah, that’s pretty good advice. In fact, it all seems fairly decent. It’s a good thing I knew every bit of it already. Would have been embarrassing otherwise, because I’m nearly 31. Phew.